Log in

No account? Create an account
I'm Too Awake For This To Be A Nightmare [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[11 Jul 2014|03:53am]
Just realized how crazy I probably sounded from the last entry. Just know that I know it sounds pretty intense. This isn't obsession, it's a search to know when this went sour. Everyone deserves clarification.
but it felt like goodbye

[11 Jul 2014|03:44am]
Get out of my head. Just leave. You're happy now. You're doing great without me. I'm poison. I'm problematic. I think about you constantly. I regret everything.

I should have never told you I loved you.
I should have never tried to be your friend.
I shouldn't have gone out to eat with you.
I shouldn't have invited you to the beach to sneak a picture I never got to take.
I shouldn't have told you I was sick because that built concern and confused me even more.
I shouldn't have come to you when I needed to talk to someone back in December.
I shouldn't have gone over at whatever hour in the night to play video games like you were my friend.
I shouldn't have rejected you with lies that I was too tired. I was mostly honest though, and I'm sorry because I took that time for granted.
I shouldn't have been something you brought up during therapy, which then told me I was a problem.
I shouldn't have learned your real name.
I shouldn't have cared, especially when you told me not to.
I shouldn't have stuck around after you said "for now."
I should have known it was just sexual chemistry.
That's all it ever was.
You were too smart for me. I never had a chance.

I'm losing everything.
My dad's a drunk.
My mom's diabetic.
My sister's useless.
I'm a waste. I don't plan to make it past 30 because I don't want to. This is hard enough.

I don't deserve a lot of things. I don't cherish what I have. I'm pathetic. I don't deserve to live because I have nothing to live for. You have no respect for those who commit, but I could care less about what you think at this point. I know I'm overly dramatic. I know I'm stupid for considering anything. I know all the negative thoughts your thinking as you read this. I don't care. I just don't fucking care. You'll never read this, and it's for the best because it's me at my lowest every time I type a letter. It's me giving up because none of this is real.

I shouldn't have to feel this way.

I'm doing this for me. 
but it felt like goodbye

M - Angel - Last Name [03 Jul 2014|12:31am]
I had the best day with someone I met randomly online. I left it up to chance to find me a friend that I shared interests with (ending in a preposition). We had a lot in common. We shared a lot of the same interests. I just want you to notice that I'm speaking in the past tense.

Of course, I've been drinking (as I'm writing this post). I've been drinking a lot. It's not enough to completely render this post useless, but it's enough to understand that I said too much and that what you were looking for was much more than a friendship.

You were definitely not what I was expecting. You stood 6'2" with amazing hair, a perfect smile, and an intelligence I knew I was attracted to from the first day you responded from my post. I'm lying. I wasn't attracted, but I was interested in getting to know who you were and what you were about.

I walked past you hoping it wasn't you that I'd be meeting because you were so damn tall and cute.  At the same time, I knew it was you because you were so damn tall and cute. I waited at the entrance because we were meeting at the same place for brunch, and I knew you were following behind me waiting for the same thing. I could tell I wasn't what you were expecting (sorry I wasn't more attractive) because you were so quite, but I still wanted to know you. We ordered food and drinks, and we definitely opened up after some odd drinks from our mimosas. I knew drinking them would make me more comfortable, but it seemed like they made you more comfortable as well.

We can't blame the alcohol. There wasn't enough. We were flirting. It was subtle at points after drinking, and they were stronger during our drinks. I blew those off, but I did go along with them because I found you attractive and way out of my league. You complemented me without glasses, which is a first from my perspective, but I definitely kept them off for your sake. We continued our conversations about nerd business and geek-ology, and I noticed that you were having as good of a time as I was. The compliments kept coming from both ends, but I didn't want to venture too much into that territory because this was originally agreed upon that this would be only a friendship.

We laughed. We communicated. We continued to laugh. We ended up at Balboa park lying down in the grass watching humans exhibiting cos-play activities that we wished we were a part of. I moved to be alone in a semi-secluded area with tree-shade and comfort. We talked about our interest and the clouds as they hovered over us. I picked the grass from you hair, the leaves from your butt, and you wondered why I didn't slap the leaves from your butt as I removed the remnants of spring from your cute, little butt. In a simple answer, I was trying to be your friend before all else.

We continued to speak of our interests and or height difference. There seemed to be an attraction, and it was definitely pulling strong on your end. I didn't mind because it was so unexpected and unfamiliar, and I went along because it was new and interesting. I was attracted, as well, and I hoped that your hints at some spark of interest was genuine and honest. I noticed the subtle flaw you had, but I didn't care because I saw more in you than just your projection. You're intelligent. You're attractive. You have a passion you're willing to follow. You hide in you cave as I do, but you still share a love for the family that raised you. You favorite color is green, and we're the same age. We share similar interests in movies, games, comics, and life. We're practically the same major with a light difference. You mentioned my linguistic skills were attractive, and your writing capabilities definitely caught my attention. It seemed perfect.

I never had a better time watching the clouds go by. We steadily crept closer to each other and "accidentally" touched each other. We watched the leaves fall. We viewed the shapes in the clouds. We insulted each other and tried to figure out ways to make it up to each other. Tying you shoes wasn't enough, and I could tell you wanted more, but I wasn't ready to take it further. We just met, and I was only looking for a friendship. Alas, this is where it went wrong.

We spent our time of dessert with each other, and concluded with some quality time. You asked about my past relationship, and I think that was where you lost interest. Either you didn't like how I was still curious about what happened in my last relationship to make it turn sour, or you weren't interested in developing a relationship with someone who shared the same beliefs and aspirations as you do. Either way, I felt like I answered you questions too truthfully and you didn't like the response.

We had a good time. You can't deny that because I heard you laughing, I saw you smile, you elongated our time together, you kept asking questions, you invited me places, and you flirted. I would have never of flirted with if I had the slightest though you were uninterested. You know I don't like being kept in the dark, but you're keeping me in the dark with your lack of response. I can accept that you don't want to see me, but I'd appreciate it if you just said so. You were looking for more, and I can understand that, or else you wouldn't have flirted, but if I'm not your type or if you're just not interested, let me know. Your silence is what's confusing me the most.

Actually, your response to a friendly post rather than a relationship post is confusing me more than anything. I like you. I find you attractive both inside and out. Your intelligence is incredible, and you're about as big as a dick as I am. Bottom line, I was looking for a friend above anything else. It seems you were looking for more because I couldn't fit your mold. We didn't need to hook up. You hinted at more than just a friendship, but I wanted to be friends to begin with and I told you this. We just needed to connect before anything got serious; relationship or friendship. I guess you couldn't wait or you just weren't interested in having an ugly friend.

Sorry I'm not perfect.  I'm just trying to be human. That's all. I'll still say hi If I ever see you again, but you seriously need to be clear on what you're expecting. If you want a relationship you need to say so, otherwise you're just getting a friendship that'll lead to who know what direction, either good or bad.

I can't stress enough how important it is to be honest and upfront. 
but it felt like goodbye

[23 Jun 2014|06:50pm]
I'm not a huge fan of Sam Smith, but his cover of Houston's "How Will I Know" is incredible.

but it felt like goodbye

[12 Apr 2014|01:54am]
It's been a while. We cleared the air, but we don't talk as much as we used to. Honestly, we don't talk at all. I'm trying to move on because there's no future with us, but I can't stop thinking about you. I still want to make this work, and I still want you in my life. I wish it was like before when I came over every weekend or so and we'd lay in bed laughing until the morning sun came out. I felt safe and happy, and I could sleep unmedicated knowing that where I was was a home. I found a place with you I didn't want to leave because it brought me to so much of the world that I couldn't find on my own.

I don't want to admit that I've met someone else, but I have. It isn't the same, and I'm still thinking about you. I don't know what I want anymore, and I don't know what to say to the other. If I'm not going to see you anymore, I need closure before I leave. I need to know there's nothing here and there never will be. Otherwise I'm still going to try and pursue a desire that is my heart's. It's pointing to you, and I'm willing to stay as long as I need to. I may be unhappy, confused, and stressed in doing so, but it's no different than how I've been for the last few years of my life. I don't want to give up so easily. I don't want to give up happiness once I've felt how good it was to be on that side. That's not me.

I'll fight for you. I just hope you see that.

But is it personal gain? I wouldn't want you to be unhappy either, and the frustration I've caused was from me being me. Why is this so difficult? 
but it felt like goodbye

[01 Feb 2014|02:44am]
You contacted me. I was wrong.

I'm afraid to have this conversation.

I can only hope it goes well for the both of us.
but it felt like goodbye

[31 Jan 2014|02:21am]
Well, you told me where I went wrong. It still doesn't make sense to me. Yes, I shouldn't make assumptions, but when we're conversing via text and I don't know what you're taking about or feeling, I will make assumptions. It's human nature to do so. We think and create our own ideas when the image isn't clear. Sometimes it's positive; sometimes it's negative.

What's bad about this is that I never saw a change in the way I was acting, and, to be honest, I'm almost positive I was talking to you the same way I've been talking to you these past three years. You took this long to tell me that I've been doing it a lot lately, but you have to understand that I did notice a change with you as well. I don't know if you've just now noticed I make assumptions, but I've been doing this for a while. I think you've discovered something about me you don't like.

I've chosen not to talk to you because I don't know how to anymore. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, that all I could tell you are short, simple sentences.  With the way we've talked before, that won't be enough. What's worse is that I know you won't make an effort to contact me during this radio silence. It is only after months of waiting will you reply to something I've asked you. You won't write to say hi. Not anymore at least.

I tried calling so you could tell me what I did wrong. You ignored it and texted me instead. It's piling confusion on top of confusion. I couldn't even text you back after your response because it would have been misunderstood. It's easier to say things to hear intonation and emphasis. All I get through texts are how I believe you're saying what you're writing. All I'm getting is anger.

Valentine's Day is coming up. Your birthday is coming up as well. I will text you those days to wish you happiness. I might buy you the gift I've been planning since December. Whether or not you accept the gift or wishes, know that I did it because I love you. I care for you, and my affection is in no way to be taken as a pay-out. I'm not buying your forgiveness. I'm not buying your friendship. This is what I do. This is who I am. I expect nothing in return.

Like I said before, maybe you're just waiting for me to mature and grow up. Maybe this is the end. Either way, I am grateful for all you've done and for being there when everyone else left. I cherish the moments we shared together, and you will always be one of the biggest parts of my life, one of the most important. You have no idea how much I miss you and how much it pains me to have this lack of communication. At this point, all I can do is wait and see where this goes and find happiness through this journey. 
but it felt like goodbye

[24 Jan 2014|01:57am]
I like you, and it seems like I shouldn't.

I don't know what to do...
but it felt like goodbye

[20 Jan 2014|04:11am]
It appears that "for now" was a lot closer than expected. I was hoping to spend more time with you, but you've been different these past couple of weeks. I'm not sure what's going on, but there are a lot of misunderstandings when we text, and there's tension. I didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to help.

I told myself that this year I was going to be happy. I was going to do whatever I could to be happy, and that meant spending more time with you. Now, after today and what you said, I don't think it'll be possible. Or at least not with you. As much as it hurts to write that, you're pushing me away and I don't know why.

I may not understand what it means to be a friend, and I may not understand your actions or thought processes, but unless you tell me what it is I'm doing wrong or what's bothering you, I won't be able to understand what or why your doing any of this. I want to help even if you don't want me to. This is what I learned from having bad friends. I shouldn't let you do this alone, and I should be there for you when you're sick or unhappy.

I care, and you worry me sometimes. That's all. Whether it's your mood, sleeping habits, or illnesses, I want to help.

I like your distractions, and you like distracting me. I like your harassment, and you like to see me pout. I like your humor, and you like to see me laugh. I like your voice, and your diction is incredible. I like to cuddle, and you're the perfect fit.

I don't want to lose you. It's been too good, and I want it to continue. How could I be so selfish?

It's me isn't it? It's what I deserve for being a bad human. 
but it felt like goodbye

[18 Jan 2014|02:02am]
but it felt like goodbye

[30 Dec 2013|01:15am]
Those eleven hours with you were the best I've ever had. We stayed up all night almost through the afternoon. It was perfect. I remembered what it felt like to be happy. I didn't want it to end; I wouldn't let it. I left everything behind and was with you. Only you.

It was so different. I was scared at one point because I thought it wasn't real. It was real, and so was what I told you. I meant it. I meant everything. It's quite possible that you might never say it back, but thinking that would mean the reason why I told you was because I was looking for the same response. Just know that I said it because I wanted you to know. That's all.

We've continued to see each other, and those times together have been magical. You've allowed me to explore not only myself, but you as well. I begin to research and analyze your ways to internalize a pattern of exactly who and what you are. Where do I begin?

To be honest, I believe I see a bit of fear. There is no future in your sense. There's one for me, and you've succeeded in letting me know, but you have also made it clear that your presence in my future is absent. I'm not sure why. It seems we might be after different things, or perhaps I have not matured enough to build such a relationship. I said forever; you said for now.

Still, I'm going to stay and see how this whole things plays out. I don't care what happens because in you I found something I don't ever want to let go. In you I found Happiness. It took me this long to realize that I should be happy. I found it, and now this quest has turned into how long I can keep it. How long it'll take for me to mature.

On a different note, I finished my first semester of grad school, as well as my first semester of student-teaching. One more semester to go, and another summer to decide whether I want to teach secondary or post. Maybe I'll just get an office job with a cubicle. Monotony never killed anyone, right?
but it felt like goodbye

[10 Nov 2013|02:22am]
It is never perfect timing. It is not with you because that would be too many coincidences. It has to be fate because why else would I be holding on so strongly. It just makes sense, and you've been the only thing that's right in all I've done. I can't even come up with the words to write back. Just know that I'm glad you showed up when everyone left.
but it felt like goodbye

[25 Oct 2013|01:16am]
If only maintaining one's innocence was that simple.  What I'd give to spend an entire day blowing bubbles and not having to worry about tomorrow.

but it felt like goodbye

[12 Oct 2013|01:08am]
but it felt like goodbye

[12 Oct 2013|01:00am]

what a tease
but it felt like goodbye

[09 Oct 2013|11:54pm]
I have a classroom now.
29 students, 2 ELLs, 4 IEPs.
I'm a teacher without a credential.
Teacher in training.

I try to find the time to write on here, but there doesn't seem to be enough. The past few months have gone by so quickly, but I still find myself checking my email everyday to see if you replied. Every piece of information is new, and I'm quickly learning what does and doesn't work, but I'm also noticing that you're everywhere. I never leave my room because I'm constantly writing, creating new lesson plans, reading common core practices, and thinking about how you are and hoping that you're coping with this weather better than I am. The sudden change in weather has caught up with me, and if our bodies are still synched, then we're both feeling the aftermath of the changing seasons.

I don't have the heart to tell you my future plans, but know that when I want to see you for even the shortest amount of time, take notice that I will make it the best few minutes I could ever have with you.

I hope all is going well in your world.
but it felt like goodbye

[21 Aug 2013|12:34am]
I want to know how you feel, what you feel. I want to know what's going on inside your head, and I want an answer to a question I'll never ask you. Then again, myabe the problem is that I'll never ask you.
but it felt like goodbye

Perspective [19 Aug 2013|03:11am]
It is going to be like last time. Nothing ever changes. Nothing is static, Just a copy of a copy of a copy.

That's it. 
but it felt like goodbye

[17 Aug 2013|01:32am]
Wait... What just happened? I let my emotions take over and turn me into what I knew it would. Honestly, I thought I lost you. I felt better for trying, but I was also scared that it was the end. I don't want to do this alone, and we never finished. I don't want them not having an ending to the story we started. I guess we just brush off the awkward and move on. No need to look at the past for answers when we can easily change our future with simple decisions. So tell me, where do we go from here?

I wish and hope that you gain better health. I just want to know the extent because sometimes it doesn't make sense. What's going on? I want you to trust me and know that I'm here. You can tell me anything. It won't change a thing. I'm already invested, and thinking about our tomorrow. I won't let go.

I also want to analyze this song with you. It's beautifully written and the video is fantastic. I don't know what any of it means though. I want your perspective, your insight, your eyes. Share with me your ideas and let's see where it takes us.

but it felt like goodbye

[08 Aug 2013|01:45am]
I did it. Odd thing is that you did this same exact thing one year ago, on the same day of the same month. Coincidence? Probably. If it's not though, and if what I'm thinking is true, then this is just a repeat and I know I'll talk to you again: once in September, and once again in January. The human mind is incredible.

I don't want to think this is just some reoccurance. I want it to last. Not the silence, but the relationship. Sometimes I wish you were reading this because my words can be such a detriment. I just want you to know who I am, how I think, and what I reflect. I'm overly impressionable, but that also makes me a great empathizer. I feel everything, and sometimes, if I listen closely enough, I can hear them. It's like the thought of God listening to prayers.

I hear it. I hear everything.
but it felt like goodbye

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]